its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
