this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
