Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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