i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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