I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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