just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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