I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
