dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
