Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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