I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
