i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I smell like Dick and happiness
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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