I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
