I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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