This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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