Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
