I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
