How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Jerry, you need to find god
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
