chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
