He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
