please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
