can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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