Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
