Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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