You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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