I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
