I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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