Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
