Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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