Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
