How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
