no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
