A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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