When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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