Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
