I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I touched a dick in church today
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
