We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
