WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
