We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
