I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is Oprah even human
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
