Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
