Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
