i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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