Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
