the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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