i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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