He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
