it hurts more in the daytime
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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