my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
