The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
