when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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