Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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