I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
