im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
